Today I am tired of having diabetes. Most days I’m up for the challenge, but today I’m not.
Many times when I tell people that I have diabetes, they ask me how ‘in control’ I am. Right now the answer isn’t good. Some days I feel mostly in control, but many days I have no idea what the heck is going on with my sugars. It feels like no matter how many times I test or how diligently I count carbohydrates–my sugars blow.
Some days I get so frustrated that I avoid carbohydrates as much as possible, but then I find myself ravenously hungry at 8pm with a mighty will to throw all the romaine lettuce and string cheese in the garbage. Carbohydrates are what tastes good. They sure make everything more complicated.
I don’t know how many people with type 1 diabetes ask themselves the “why me” question. I’ve been asking myself that question on a regular basis as of late. I’m sick of it, but I’m more sick of feeling like I am the one to blame because my rhythms and ratios remain a relative mystery. I’m successful at most everything else I do in life, but when it comes to counting, calculating, and correcting, I just can’t seem to get it right. I feel like a failure. I want it to be someone else’s turn. I want to be healthy and slim again. I don’t want to have to spend an hour on the treadmill everyday to gain weight slower than I already do. Most days I feel like Andrea in a fat suit.
In the past when the pump has been an option for me, I was always a little bit apprehensive. The insulin pump and infusion site might feel like a constant reminder of being a freak of nature. I don’t need anymore reminders that I am different (and only alive due to the miracles of modern medicine). So I’m at this crossroads where I have to choose between this expensive piece of equipment that might help control my blood sugars, and just throwing in the towel all together. I can’t really give up because I know how utterly lousy I feel when I have run high for more than 4 or 5 hours, and I don’t want to die. So. I guess I give this insulin pump a shot. What else can I do? Some have said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. I’ve been doing the same thing now for five years. Am I crazy?