Tired

Today I am tired of having diabetes. Most days I’m up for the challenge, but today I’m not.

Many times when I tell people that I have diabetes, they ask me how ‘in control’ I am. Right now the answer isn’t good. Some days I feel mostly in control, but many days I have no idea what the heck is going on with my sugars. It feels like no matter how many times I test or how diligently I count carbohydrates–my sugars blow.

Some days I get so frustrated that I avoid carbohydrates as much as possible, but then I find myself ravenously hungry at 8pm with a mighty will to throw all the romaine lettuce and string cheese in the garbage. Carbohydrates are what tastes good. They sure make everything more complicated.

I don’t know how many people with type 1 diabetes ask themselves the “why me” question. I’ve been asking myself that question on a regular basis as of late. I’m sick of it, but I’m more sick of feeling like I am the one to blame because my rhythms and ratios remain a relative mystery. I’m successful at most everything else I do in life, but when it comes to counting, calculating, and correcting, I just can’t seem to get it right. I feel like a failure. I want it to be someone else’s turn. I want to be healthy and slim again. I don’t want to have to spend an hour on the treadmill everyday to gain weight slower than I already do. Most days I feel like Andrea in a fat suit.

In the past when the pump has been an option for me, I was always a little bit apprehensive. The insulin pump and infusion site might feel like a constant reminder of being a freak of nature. I don’t need anymore reminders that I am different (and only alive due to the miracles of modern medicine). So I’m at this crossroads where I have to choose between this expensive piece of equipment that might help control my blood sugars, and just throwing in the towel all together. I can’t really give up because I know how utterly lousy I feel when I have run high for more than 4 or 5 hours, and I don’t want to die. So. I guess I give this insulin pump a shot. What else can I do? Some have said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. I’ve been doing the same thing now for five years. Am I crazy?

1 thought on “Tired”

  1. Everybody goes through that, and not just once. Every diabetic has days where they ask themselves “why me.” But you’re absolutely right that you can’t give up. That will only make things worse.

    As far as the pump feeling like a constant reminder that you’re “different”, that definitely goes away after a little while. Like when you start carrying a purse or keeping a wallet in your pocket or something like that. It’s different at first, but after a week or so you don’t even know it’s there.

    Keep your chin up. The days like this will pass, and you’ll get your control back. Trust me, I’ve been there. I’ve had days, weeks, when nothing seems to work, but what choice do we have? We have to be stronger, tougher, better than that. Giving up is not an option, so stay focused and things will improve.

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